How Can You Not Believe?

   Tomorrow is January 11, 2012. Big deal right? Tomorrow is also exactly one month past December 11, 2011. A bittersweet day. The day we finally got a diagnosis.  It's hard to believe it's already been a month.
   Things haven't changed very much for us...except, now we know why. Now we have answers. We have talked with the doctors about where to go from here. We have made all medical personnel involved aware of his diagnosis. We are slowly learning to be much more aware of germs and how to take precautions to hopefully avoid so many illnesses. We've learned how to fit breathing treatments, chest physical therapy and an inhaler into our schedule....twice a day. We are soon to be the proud owner of our very own pulse oximeter. (this is the device that will conveniently be able to tell us his oxygen saturation here at home without us having to go to the doctor so regularly)  We have learned patience. Okay, okay...maybe we haven't mastered that one quite as well, but....we're working on it!
    Above all of these things I think the thing I have learned the most out of this is to seek the Lord in everything we do. Everything. I have had a few surprising remarks from people asking me how I could possibly believe in God? How could I believe in a good God when my baby has a rare lung disease that has no cure. How could I trust that He is going to bring me through this? Why would He ever do this to someone like me anyway? The only response I have is...How could I not believe in God after all of the grace and mercy He has shown us through these past months? There are so many examples I could share, but to keep this post somewhat short I will just choose a couple of examples that stick out in my mind. Back in September Tucker had his first ciliary biopsy done. The nasty one. The one that I promised myself I would never let them repeat. When they called in October to tell us that they didn't get enough cilia and would have to repeat the biopsy I was faced with a decision that I had already made a definite decision on. I asked them if we could sedate him to repeat the biopsy and their response was a firm and definite, "No!" All I knew to do was pray. Pray that the Lord would help Scotty and I make the right decision for Tucker. It wasn't even a month later when Tucker was admitted for several days and had to be put back under for several procedures and to have his PICC line placed - they were then able to not only do the biopsy while he was sedated, but now they could do it from his lungs which is a better sample anyways! An answered prayer. My next prayer to God was to give us an answer before the end of the year. I know it sounds crazy, but I was desperate. I was hurting. I was miserable watching my baby go through test after test and stick after stick every time he got sick because they just didn't know what was wrong. December 11th was the day. Yep, He answered my prayers again...with 20 days to spare!
    It's easy to become very discouraged when I think about what he actually has. It's easy to feel defeated when I think about there being no cure for PCD. It's easy to feel sorry for myself because my baby has lung disease. But, in the midst of everything that we've been through...after seeing all of the prayers that my God has already answered....I still have to ask, "How can you not believe?"

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. -Psalm 62:1-2

Tucker: A True Blessing

   I vividly remember June 5, 2009 like it was yesterday. It was the day we were packing up to head to the lake for a whole week of fun, family and sweet summertime. Our perfect, complete family. We had 2 boys and 1 girl and life was great. Dylan was 5, Madi was 3 and Dustin was 7 months.  I had not been feeling great for a few weeks, but never thought much of it. I was so excited to be going on a family vacation together that I was able to overcome the way I felt and I had pretty much packed everything - all we needed was Daddy to be home from work and we were off! I woke up on that Friday morning excited for our trip - just a few last minute things when all of a sudden it hit me. I still don't feel good. I'm tired. I'm nauseous. I'm achy. Oh, no! I'm pregnant! I rush around and load the kids up. We run to the store for the last minute things we need and....a pregnancy test...or 4! wink! I rush back home and immediately take the test. Yes, all 4 of them. I figured the first test was just broken - there was no way I could be pregnant. Our family is complete. However, after test two, three and four I figured it was safe to assume that they weren't all wrong! After the initial shock of baby number 4 being on the way I was so excited. I couldn't wait to meet this new blessing!
   On January 22, 2010 we welcomed 7 pound 12 ounce Tucker Scott Jordan. There is no other feeling in this world than holding your baby for the first time. Holding baby number four for the first time was no less emotional, no less touching and no less exciting than holding baby number one for the first time. There are really no words to explain the love that a mother feels for her child. While emotionally things are no different with a fourth child - man are things different with a fourth child. Never ever would baby number one have left our house without being dressed perfectly. Often days Tucker doesn't make it out of his jammies before noon. Never would my first child have been in a diaper long enough to even come close to "peeing through it".  Never would I have let my first child eat a cheerio off of the floor at a restaurant, sleep in the clothes he wore that day or go two whole days without a bath! Never. Poor fourth baby! wink!
    It is so hard to believe that in just 18 days Tucker is going to be two. It has been a very long two years. It has been two years that seemed so hard and so tough, but that I wouldn't have traded for anything in this world. These two years and our sweet Tucker have taught me so much. Courage, how to trust in the Lord, patience, perseverance, wisdom and love. Odd, but true.
    Tucker is such a fun little guy. He is becoming such a little person. He loves trucks, trains and four wheelers, Braeden Davis, lollipops, making new friends, green beans, biting, kissing to say he is sorry, dancing and singing, splashing in the bath, praying so he can yell Amen at the end, making nurses and doctors smile, cuddling with mommy and most of all he loves his Daddy! 
    It seems a little funny to say, but I admire Tucker. He is so brave. So courageous. He has been through so many tests, procedures, blood draws and more and he faces them. He faces them without batting an eye. He has been through more in the past 23 months than a lot of people go through in a life time. We are so glad to have a diagnosis and to be able to move on. To know where to go from here. We appreciate everyone's prayers, support and kind words. All we can do now is put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time and lean on the Lord like we never have before.
    It amazes me daily that while it was so hard for me to "accept" that we were having a fourth baby in the beginning - now, so much has come out of his birth. Just like every other child, Tucker is such a blessing and I can't wait to see how the Lord uses him for His glory.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. -Proverbs 3:5