Today is exactly 15 months since we've been "looking for an answer" for Tucker. Today, I got a phone call from a friend telling me that an old friend of ours just found out that his two year old daughter has leukemia.
I would lie if I said it hasn't been a long 15 months. I would also be telling a story if I said it hasn't been a total emotional roller coaster. However, I have hung in there and been as strong as I know how (with lots and lots of help from my Creator). I have watched my baby boy go through some pretty nasty tests. I have seen him look at me with his eyes full of terror and questions. I have heard his blood curling screams when he is being stuck for the 15th time in one day. I have heard some pretty scary words like cancer and lung diseases. I have learned to take care of and properly work PICC lines, nebulizers and pulse ox machines. I know that my God is bigger and He is going to get me through it and I have tried my hardest to rest on that as much as I know how to. However, I'm still human, and sometimes when someone uses my baby boy's name and the word cancer in the same sentence my mind wanders and it gets the best of me.
So, back to the phone call. This friend of mine calls to tell me about Addison (the little girl with cancer - whom I've never met). Her daddy is someone that I went to high school with - I've seen him around a few times since we graduated, but know nothing about him or his family and have no contact with him at all. Somehow though, the news of his daughter being sick caused all of these emotions that I've had bottled up for 15 months come rushing out of me. And, it finally happened. I cried. A lot. Big crocodile tears. Right there on the phone with her. I have "held it together" so long. I have tried to be strong in front of doctors and nurses. Friends and family. My kids. My parents. And, the real joke...God....like He doesn't know how much I hurt inside...how much I worry until I make myself physically sick. I just lost it.
I think one thing that has bothered me the most lately is how I feel like the other children feel like just that. Other children. They are being tossed around and left out and "pushed to the side" while we have to deal with our "sick baby". Do they feel like Tucker gets all of the attention? Do I show them that I love them just the same as I love him? Do they have feelings of envy or hate towards Tucker because Mommy and Daddy are always busy with him? Are they jealous of him? These are all things that came rushing out of my mouth that I didn't even realize I was fighting inside.
In my book, my "big kids" win the "unsung hero award" for the past 15 months and my "baby boy" wins the "super trooper award". However, I'm not sure that I have shown them exactly how "my book" reads. All afternoon I have prayed and asked God to show me how to reach each one of my children to show them and give them exactly what it is that they need. For Madi it may be "special time alone". Dylan might love a thank you note or an "I'm super proud of you for being the best big brother ever" note. Dustin may need an extra bed time story with a few extra kisses between pages. Either way, whatever it may be, I need to "read my book to my babies". I want them to know how thankful I am for each and every one of them.
Just a few fun pictures from our most recent stay at UNC....a place that we can not say enough good things about. A place that we have been truly amazed with. A place that we will be forever thankful for....
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| Playing upstairs in the "playroom" |
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| Time for a breathing treatment. He insisted on holding himself. Such a big boy! |
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| Playing in his "crib" |
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| Talking to his big brothers and sister! He missed them so much. Every time he heard the phone ring he would say, "Dustin? Sissy? Dylan?" |
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| Coloring! |
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| Relaxing |
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| A short motorcycle ride "around the block" |
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Phillipians 4:6-7
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